I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
