Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize