so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
