don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
