And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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