oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
