You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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