I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
