My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
