She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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