I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
