hotel room ftw
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
