Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My cat gives me a boner
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I came so hard my ears popped.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
