Cold hands, warm shart.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
