Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
