There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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