i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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