Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
