Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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