Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
