I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
