IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
