I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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