She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
