So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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