Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
nutella sex= disaster
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
