I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
