So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
