I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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