I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
