Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
