Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
