I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
