you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
