my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
