He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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