my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
