Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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