honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
