why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
