Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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