We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
