Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
