Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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