The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
