I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
