I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
