I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
