You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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