Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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