Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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