we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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