Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
