Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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