i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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