Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
