listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
