imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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